The following is a special interview with the UWE World Champion The Armenian Beast. The Armenian Beast conducted interviews with outside media sources, so General Manager Caroline Cage decided to sanction a UWE Blog exclusive interview with Gurgen. This is the result of that encounter.
Alec Beasley was working on his laptop, not looking at porn, in his hotel room in Rome when the Skype icon began to throw a tantrum. Caroline_Cage the popup said. Alec rolled his eyes, Ronnie, he liked well enough, a no nonsense guy who did whatever it took and never made any excuses, his kind of a wrestler. But did he HAVE to marry HER? Just to get on Mrs. Cage’s nerves he waited another few seconds before he answered.
“Good morning, Alec,” the GM said, “Did you settle in ok? Is the room to your liking?”
“Yes, Caroline, everything’s peachy,” Alec lied. He felt a man of his experience and skill should at least have a room with a view of SOME landmark. This was Rome, for Jupiter’s sake! You couldn’t crash a Vespa scooter here without smashing your face into some sort of ancient tourist attraction. And there were other things wrong with the room and just to let her know how lousy the room was, he had elected to address her by her first name. But either she hadn’t picked up on the bloody obvious clue or she did that one unforgiveable thing … not care … about HIS feelings.
“Ok, listen up, Alec,” she continued, “there’s this website that did an interview with The Armenian Beast.”
Oh, Fuck, Alec thought. The hairs on the back of his neck were doing the apprehension shuffle.
“Our Armenian Beast, Alec!”
Yeah, that bore explaining, because there are so many Armenian Beasts out there.
“We can’t let this happen,” said the GM, “Someone needs to do an interview with The Beast.”
If his back wasn’t waxed regularly, his back hair would be standing on end too, right now. He began to caution her, “Do not …”
“And that …”, Caroline continued.
“say…”, said Alec.
“would be …”, Caroline pushed on regardless.
“it,” concluded Alec.
“No fucking way, lady.” Alec didn’t know how far he could push the new GM and this was a good time to find out.
“Oh, come on, it’s just twenty questions!”
“I might consider two!” Hey, they were both in Italy, so they might as well shout at each other. When in Rome, do as you like.
“I’d settle for ten questions.”
“See my right arm? That’s my mouse arm. It’s moving towards that little X in the top right hand corner. Almost there.”
“Alright, alright”, Caroline conceded, “Five!” Though it may seem as though she was giving in quickly, she did realize that she was asking a lot … besides, five questions is what she had in mind to begin with anyway.
“Ok, five questions … and I pick the venue.”
“Five questions, you pick the venue,” she confirmed, “… and you do a quick word
“Thank you so much, Alec, I knew I could count on you.”
“That … idiot barely knows what words are and you want me to …”
“We’ll be needing that by noon tomorrow. Bye now.” This encounter ended in a draw, she figured … oh, hell, she got him to interview The Beast … she kicked his ass ten to nothing.
“How much longer?” asked Alec.
“Almost got it,” the cameraman replied.
“Do hurry up, he’s going to start chewing the cables any time now.”
Gurgen was indeed tremendously bored. Alec had picked the blandest location he could think of, a conference room in his hotel. Provide this … Beast with as few stimuli as possible … like a child with ADHD. And while it seemed to have been working so far. Extensive destruction loomed in the horizon.
“We’re good,” confirmed the cameraman … finally.
“Beast? Beast!” Alec tried to attract the attention of Gurgen, but the Beast had managed to find something of interest in this mind numbingly dull room. Maybe a spider, or imaginary pixies or something. But Alec had come prepared. He place a bottle of grappa on the table and tapped it with his pen. Bingo, now he had The Beast’s attention.
“Now, Beast,” Alec began.
Gurgen lunged forward and snatched the bottle.
Well, as long as he was listening, Alec didn’t care what happened to the grappa.
“You’re the top guy in uWe. How does it feel to win the most coveted prize in UWE?”
Gurgen replied, in between gulps from the bottle,”Pretty good … what be coveted? That be big red car?”
Would Caroline accept an answer like this? Hell, he asked the question, the Beast vocalized something … he had done his job. Still, he replied, “No, Beast, that would be a ‘Corvette’”
The Beast seemed to be thinking, as if he was capable of such a thing.
Gurgen suddenly said, “That be what Gurgen feel like, like red Corvette zipping along coast.”
That … actually made sense in a peculiar sort of way. On with the next question, “Who do you want to defend your title against first?”
“EVERYONE!” shouted The Beast, “Beast wanna get everyone in ring for big rumble and throw everyone out of ring again.”
“And if you had to pick just one opponent?” Was he actually asking follow up
“Hmmmm, then Beast pick Asylum. Asylum be funny in head, like Gurgen.”
Surprised he had not yet been assaulted, Alec pressed on, “Do you have any dream matches that you want to see in the UWE?”
“Alec ask difficult things. Beast like to wrestle ten girls in pool full of wodka jell-o,” Gurgen nodded profusely.
“Thaaat’s not what I’m after.”
“Ok then, Beast wanna see dinosaur wrestle giant gorilla. Beast think there be movie like that.”
“Still not what I want to hear. Is there no one you’d really like to fight … from any time?”
“Oh, Alec should say so before. Gurgen dream plenty of matches like that. Gurgen fight Ultimate Warrior, or Andre Giant, or … oooh, Beast know … tag match with Tito Santana fighting Warlord and Barbarian. But Gurgen dream most of … erm … more-than-five man tag team match. Gurgen with Bolsheviks fighting Demolition.”
That, Alec thought, I’d actually pay real money for … uWe’s money … on expanse account, but still, that, I’d pay to see.
“And after match, Gurgen go celebrate with Bushwhackers! Gurgen like sardines, Alec know?”
“I’m sure you do,” you sick freak, Alec added in his mind. “Now, how responsive was the crowd during your post match celebration with the title?”
“Crowd made big happy. Womens give Gurgen papers with numbers for calling to make sexy times. And everyone want to buy Gurgen drinks. Gurgen not often been so drunk. Beastly belly feel bad in morning. Beast wonder if crowd in places not-Armenia be so happy for Beastly win.”
Alec quietly rejoiced that he had made it to the end of the list without any bodily harm occurring. “What is next for Gurgen?”
Gurgen showed the bottle to Alec, “Next be grappa!”
“No, I mean in the world of wrestling.”
“Oh, Beast think, Beast have belt now, and Beast no wanna give belt away. No one ever get Belt from Beasty!”
“Ok, that’s all the questions I had, let’s do a quick word association game, and then you can happily drink yourself into an early grave.”
“What be assosicion … assholenation … assositati…si…ass… Oh Gurgen give up!”
“It’s really simple,” for everyone with half a brain … so, not you! “I say a word and you say the first thing that comes to mind,” so we might be here a while. “Here we go … Champion.”
Gurgen was worried this would be hard, but this first word was easy. “Beast!”
“I guess so … next, loser.”
“Erm … not-Beast? No wait, Beast know, that Suarez guy from Uruguay team. He make bite in footy match … there be no biting in footy! Hey, maybe that be dream match … Beast vs Suarez … no bites barred.”
One word, Alec thought, one word I asked of him and he gives me half a novel.
“Porn!” Gurgen blurted out, only then realizing that one does not shout such things. His paw rose in the air to try and grab the word he had just spoken, but, sadly, life is not like a comic book and his paw came back down after a fruitless grasp at nothing.
Alec made a disgusted face for the benefit, while keeping in mind he himself was known to indulge in some of the more ‘out there’ explicit imagery.
“Libertine … Lib be soft at core. Gurgen like.”
“Lada. No wait, that be ‘Niva’ … ooooh, now Gurgen no think of anything anymore.”
“That’s ok, Beast,” because I want to get out of here ten minutes ago. “Competitor.”
“Penguin. See what Alec do? Beast confused now.”
As one would expect, Alec though before saying, Entertainer.”
“Alec no know man from snooker? Willy always make funny things on table. He be entertainer.”
“Right, only two left, Good and Bad.”
“Ugly!” Beast shouted, “Beast love movie. With the shooting where ugly have no guns in his bullet.”
“That’s not … oh screw it,” did I just say that out loud … Oh crap, Caroline is going to chew my ass out for this.
Gurgen continued his fandom of that movie, “Peoples call movies like that, spaghetti movie. Hm, now Gurgen be in mood for spaghetti. Alec thing peoples from Italy know spaghetti?”
“You know,” said Alec while he hastily gathered his stuff, “I think they just might have heard of it.” And with that, Alec left an elated Gurgen to go bother the cameraman for the nearest spaghetti joint.
(Credit: Filip aka the handler of The Armenian Beast for the Interview)